Posted in Family, Life, Relationships

Facade

I want to stop pretending I understand you.  I always try to reach out to you, only to be berated with negativity and never-ending lists of things to do.  Your lack of empathy is so apparent.  Even as a child, I could never please you.  Despite the success and efforts, I always seem to fall short of making you happy.  What’s lost is happiness and confidence in myself.  Every idea is never good enough.  Every effort is always short of good enough.  You always opine that I need to take responsibility for things in my life; but I have.  You speak to me as if I’m an incompetent failure —  how did I survive to this point in my life?  Why are you so harsh?  Why do you steal away my happiness?  For the longest time, I faked positivity and happiness because it was what kept me believing there’s a brighter side of life.  It worked.  I often wonder what I would have truly felt or thought if there had been any ounce of positivity or happiness in our household.  And still today, you lash out at me when I called to say Hello and confirm plans for Mother’s Day weekend.  I’m completely deflated.  I want to cancel plans.  I want to actually feel happy and not drained at the end of every phone call.  Will you ever understand how I feel?  Will you ever listen or hear what I say?  At what point will you decide to have a relationship with me versus just manage me?

I feel broken.

Advertisements

Author:

Grew up in a small Texas town. Heavily involved in extracurricular activities: piano, violin, dance (ballet/jazz/tap), tennis, horseback riding (english/western), taekwondo, basketball, soccer, volleyball, percussion, drumline, orchestra, band, mascot, pageants. I had the typical Tiger Mom upbringing. Went to college, medical school, residency, and fellowship. Amidst the ups and downs of life, allow me to share with you my journey...as an "ordinary" person who happens to be an MD.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s