I want to stop pretending I understand you. I always try to reach out to you, only to be berated with negativity and never-ending lists of things to do. Your lack of empathy is so apparent. Even as a child, I could never please you. Despite the success and efforts, I always seem to fall short of making you happy. What’s lost is happiness and confidence in myself. Every idea is never good enough. Every effort is always short of good enough. You always opine that I need to take responsibility for things in my life; but I have. You speak to me as if I’m an incompetent failure — how did I survive to this point in my life? Why are you so harsh? Why do you steal away my happiness? For the longest time, I faked positivity and happiness because it was what kept me believing there’s a brighter side of life. It worked. I often wonder what I would have truly felt or thought if there had been any ounce of positivity or happiness in our household. And still today, you lash out at me when I called to say Hello and confirm plans for Mother’s Day weekend. I’m completely deflated. I want to cancel plans. I want to actually feel happy and not drained at the end of every phone call. Will you ever understand how I feel? Will you ever listen or hear what I say? At what point will you decide to have a relationship with me versus just manage me?
I feel broken.