Relationship advice from professionals #relationships #marriage #family

Curiosity has always been a driving factor for my learning.  Lately, I’ve been curious about what makes relationships thrive.   Around the holidays, people always seem so happy and connected and together.  This led me to lookup various TED talks (thanks Google search) on the subject matter.  I’m intrigued by others’ relationships — and not just romantically.  A friend of mine shared some interesting pearls on the progression from dating, committed relationship, marriage, to kids and the dynamics/changes that occur through each of these phases.  I just want to know what other people’s experiences are through this journey.  What my search revealed…

The homework:

1. The Secret to Desire in a Long-term Relationship
2. Love Isn’t All You Need: 3 Relationship Building Reads
3. How We Love
   1. Can you use algorithms to find love?
   2. What happens to our brain when we’re in love
   3. Are we asking too much of our spouses?
   4. What makes siblings bond?
   5. A father-daughter dance – in prison?
4. Talks That Just Might Save Your Relationship
   1. Love, you’re doing it all wrong
   2. The power of vulnerability
   3. How to speak so that people want to listen
   4. Why we love, why we cheat
   5. Dare to disagree
   6. What you don’t know about marriage
5. In The Mood For Love
   1. The brain in love
   2. Love letters to strangers
   3. Love, no matter what
   4. Love is a loaded pistol
   5. The myth of the gay agenda
   6. Aliens, love — where are they?
   7. How the internet enables intimacy
   8. For men: understanding her desires
6. Sex: Can We Talk?
   1. 10 things you didn’t know about orgasm
   2. It’s time for “the talk”
   3. Selling condoms in the Congo
   4. Sex, drugs, and HIV
   5. Religions and babies
   6. The beautiful tricks of flowers
   7. A little-told talk of sex and sensuality

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Where to Find Love

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4 Most Common Relationship Problems and How to Fix Them

1. The 4 things that kill relationships: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling.
2. The 3 things that prevent them: Know your partner, respond positively to “bids”, and admire your partner.
3. The best predictor of relationship success is how you and your partner tell your “story of us.”
4. The beginning of the conversation is crucial. Negativity compounds. Keep a cool head and resist emotional inertia.

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How Texting Changes From Dating to Marriage

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Time: How to Have a Great Relationship – 5 New Secrets From Research

1. According to your own brain, love is right up there with cocaine and cash. And it can last if you treat it right.
2. Want to be attractive? Make yourself look good, emphasize similarities, and let the person know you’re picky — but that you do like them.
3. A great first date is something that creates excitement and energy. Share things about yourself and respond positively when your partner does.
4. Relationships often fail because of individual issues, not because of a bad match. Resolve difficulties as soon as you can; they don’t strengthen relationships, they cripple them.
5. Improve your relationship by dealing with your personal issues, doing exciting things together, celebrating your partner’s successes and showing gratitude.

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My Thoughts:

1. There’s a lot of meat here.  Very insightful.  I will probably listen to these several times… not just today but throughout the years.  I love her definition and timing of foreplay.  Waxing and waning desire — it’s not spontaneous…but erotic couples know how to resurrect this desire.  
2. This summarizes three books that I’m intrigued to pickup and read.  
3. Several talks on Love
   1. A numbers game.  It’s up to us to make a relationship — it takes work.  Technology cannot solve relationships.  It takes human capital…. human work.
   3. Couples’ and sex therapist.  See #1.
   4. Non-sexual, non-romantic love.  Family love.  Parents and favoritism.  I wish someone would go into more depth between spouses and siblings.  I had a great talk with another friend of mine who has a twin sibling.  This has got to be one of the closest bonds ever known.  Yet, he was telling me the difficulty of introducing someone to his sister and how that can sometimes add jealousy, loss of priority, etc. between the siblings.  I don’t think one needs to make a black and white choice — I think siblings and spouses can co-exist…in fact, they should.  Perhaps a better working is the prioritization of spouse to sibling.  I don’t know what that entails…I have no siblings.  However, I have not had any problems introducing any of my significant others to my family without worry of priorities or jealousy.  I think it’s a natural progression in life to introduce an SO to your family and be able to make that individual a priority without having massive panic attacks or arguments.  Yet, I’m still trying to wrap my head around why there would be such sibling rivalry without introduction of SOs.  Does anyone know of a study on this?
   5. 43 years of marriage!  Whoa!  The important roles of fathers in daughters’ lives.
4. Talks That Just Might Save Your Relationship
   3. Honesty Authenticity Integrity Love.  
   6. This one was humorous!!  Find good in everything!  Men doing chores around the house –> women desire them more –> men become nicer.  Positive good cycle.  

At least this was a good start… there’s so much to learn.  I’ve digested this small piece of information, and I have come to the conclusion that relationships need positivity, communication, consideration, honesty, dependence, independence, desire, and cooperation/teamwork.  But, these were things I knew.  From this information, I think both people involved have to be open and receptive to the other’s needs.  How does the positivity loop get started?  A kind gesture, a sweet compliment, a flirtatious look, a warm touch… all of these are positive vibes to make your partner feel loved.  This in turn generates positive feelings and prompts positive outward energy of love.  

So, why are so many people unhappy if these elements seem so simple?